six weeks off.

sometimes stopping to think about something is a blessing and a curse.  but last night i laid awake in my bed until after 2am.  not from coffee, not from lack of my usual herbal supplements that aid in my rest.  i had a major processing session that would NOT cease.  and i cried.  and i smiled.  and i cried more.  and laughed at myself in my head.  all of the good things that come about with a true moment and revelation.

at the end of the day i'm pretty sure i'm swirling around aimlessly.  i have targets, but no aim.  i keep waiting for something to happen.  maybe i always have.  and it's a terribly bizarre feeling to be so controlling yet anticipating for other factors to shape my decisions.  how does that happen?!  and in the end, the thing i must let go is the control.  surrender is not a word that comes to my vocabulary easily.  neither does faith.  no offense but i have very little faith in anyone anymore.  i am sure i have earned the same level of respect, so i understand the magnitude of this statement.  there are people i trust.  there are people i do have faith in and believe in.  at 33 i have no idea how to cautiously trust or cautiously have faith in.  i do it or i don't.  one of the things i actually don't half-ass.

so the revelation, while deeply personal and profound and all that, will not rear its head openly or blatantly, but change is on the front.  the older you get, the harder it is.  the more people depend on you, the harder it is.  although i suppose the glass half full version is i'm not old, and only one person really depends on me.  guess i'm in better shape than i thought!

on to tangible ...

took ARB to the CMH yesterday and he had a great time.  i wish we lived in a city that had a children's museum more accessible.  the grand building downtown would be perfect - and could even provide a place for them to ride big wheels, and scooters, etc.  but, it helps push me out of the staunton city limits.  the older ashton gets the more i need to have access to - and i mean easy access to - bigger and better things for him to expend his energy on.

unfortunately this morning he's asking to go to the park, and he's sick with a cold again.  his poor cough was so bad last night i pumped a shot of my inhaler in him.  the meds he has are the wrong 'scrip and would have kept him jacked up all night long.  i had to make an executive decision.  thankfully it worked almost immediately, but the bad news is every cough he gets seems to exacerbate his asthma.  no, he hasn't been officially diagnosed with it.

the results came back with his blood test and his panel really shocked me.  i want to see the quantitative numbers so i know what we're looking at, but not good.  his soy allergy is registered higher than his brazil nut or almond allergy.  soy is a huge percentage of his diet at this point.  i'm hesitant to cease because of whatever antibodies his body has built up so far.  i may try to get him in at duke at a recommendation of a FB friend whose son makes ashton look like he has no problems.  gosh my heart goes out to her and her story has really shaken me.  but bigger hopes are that duke can help acclimate him to some of the allergens and push his immune system to handle more foods.  sort of a two-fold idea in that for his own safety the fewer allergens he has, the better and hopefully better quality of life.  the second fold being his nutritional needs.

i'm missing church right now - yoga.  i've been going sunday mornings for 90 minutes, followed by a run later in the day, and i have come to fall in love with my sunday schedule.  today it's off b/c of AsD having to work.  poor kid hasn't had a normal schedule in weeks.  and tomorrow i go back to school.  i'm  not nervous about this class.  i'm worried about studying for my GMAT's though.  i only have two weeks before I have the test.  not feeling prepared at all.  a lot of work ahead of me in the next two weeks with work and school.

work is kicking my arse.  i don't even want to go there because it would be pages, but my project is still not complete, and it's tax season, and i'm fixing mistakes left and right and it's making me a little nuts.  it's the actual work, not the people.  i have a great team, thankfully.  makes life much easier.

finally got my tree down yesterday, and all packed away.  it always gets worse before it gets better on the organizing side, so now i need to find where this tree is going to live in my house!  yikes!  i gave away six bags of clothes to goodwill NYE to help clear out some room.  i have so many clothes of ashton's ... i need to begin posting on eBay again, but there never seems to be time.  right ... that's why i'm typing on my blog.  it's always something!!!

i have a date with my sister tuesday night, and i'm really looking forward to it!  ARB's schedule, again, is all screwed up but thankfully AsD is being flexible monday and tuesday, and helping out tremendously.  ARB started basketball last tuesday - so freaking cute!!!  i cannot believe how much he's changed since turning three.  seriously amazing.  the potty training is going pretty well.  i have to watch him if he has a treat (sprite) because it makes his kidneys/bladder go nuts.  but other than that, we're just doing a diaper at night.  i'm not doing pullups.  blech.  and he knows how to hold it.  it's been more a question of attitude and willingness.  when they say you can't push it, they aren't kidding.  i mean, just take a look at his parents.  heh.

off to do laundry again.  without a washer/dryer from 12/24 through 1/22.  and it's making me crazy!  i'm a little religious about the laundry.  it is, however, making expand my regular clothing choices.  always a good thing when trying to clean out the closet.

off to have a wonderful mommy day sunday with the little dude.  and try to quash this cold so he feels better, and study!

gratitude:
- warm house
- good music
- owning a piano