friends.

thinking a lot about my friends this week. all of them. i have the ones i've known all my life. the ones i just made yesterday. the ones i don't really like. the ones that don't really like me. the ones i've lost touch with and miss, but can't seem to energize enough to reconnect with. the ones i've reconnected with and missed. the ones that mean well and execute poorly. the ones i pass that along to. and then there are the ones that i have and don't understand exactly what our relationship is.

ironic thing is feeling like this today, my horoscope said the same exact thing: even if it's via email get in touch with even the most remote friend. it'll do you good, even if you don't receive a response. and i'm cool with that.

had a major shift in relationships this week, across the board. male and female relationships in all shapes and sizes. i definitely feel the wave of change coming swiftly. and i don't think i am in the shoes to keep up with the momentum of that change. i'm trying. maybe if i slept i would feel more prepared and better equipped to think. think period, and think quicker on my feet.

at the end of the day, i feel alive again. i feel i'm slipping back into the state of me that once was, but just the tiniest bit smarter about where i do not want to go back to. it's hard to let go and forgive myself for letting me evolve into something i didn't understand, and to be patient and forgiving with the whys and endless other scenarios. because at the end of the day, my situation is in my control. and as a control freak it's hard to say i lost control.

i lost control.

and apparently i never really had it.

if i had control, i would not have allowed myself to be at the mercy of others wishes, wants or needs. i would have worked in conjunction with my own needs and have assigned that some priority instead of no priority. and i lost that capability. if i ever had it. if i ever learned it.

knowing the change is here and letting myself seep slowly out i feel empowered. i feel everything happens for a reason and it's time for me to put my experiences to good use. i feel like i need to surround myself with the friends that know me enough, but not too well. i need the lenses they see me through to be clear, and give me latitude to develop me again. not well said, but there it is. asking for the patience and dissolution of prejudgement is too much on some long-term friendships. other long-term friendships have strengthened in the wake of my rebirth. transition is beautiful. and i know even when certain relationships fade or become distant, i've allowed myself to entertain new and beautiful personalities to enter my life. the ying-yang of life.

now i just have to remember to appreciate it for what it is and keep the glass half full!

gratitude:

- boys that smell good

- exhaustion of a good volleyball game

- sarcasm