trying!

i think i've been exhausted for so long, running on adrenaline, i've had no idea how done i am. i'm pretty sure i'm in a deficit big enough it's going to take months to recoup. it'll be alright in a while; simply kicked in my desire for a better schedule. so that'll start this week!

the meeting with my attorney this week went fairly well. some things i didn't agree with, but there will always be that. she's smart, been through a similar situation, and is an easy talker. i like her. hopefully the petition will go through soon. and as an FYI to all the moms out there, single or not, make sure your friends and family are aware that in VA, there is no such thing as retroactive child support. it's not effective until you petition for it.

boy, ashton is one angry kid right now. without question, i have never dealt with something that breaks my heart more than trying to communicate and reason with a child who simply cannot understand, and has no way to express it other than being, well, the way he's been. we go through a few good hours, and then it all turns inside out all over again. some days we're lucky if we get a few good hours. my heart hurts, and i'm sure his does too. trial and error, and consistency. i had a lot of alone time this weekend compared to my usual six hours, and used it to sort through some things and come up with some new strategies and scenarios. i hope it starts to snap together soon. i did say i hoped for four rotten weeks that turned into a much better scenario immediately following. that instead of month after month full of changes. i don't know what's better, but this is where we are now!

the up side is he's super comfy with school now! wednesday when i dropped him off, he didn't even want to hug me goodbye, much less hang on my leg. he sat right at the table and jumped right in. i was so happy to see that for him! friday evening i took him to the mall to climb on things/play and do the arcade since it was rainy, and he saw one of his teachers. i think it was good for him to see her out of the school zone. he spent saturday with his dad, and saturday night with my mom. mom took him to church today, and i got him then.

i'm babystepping my way through my personal stuff. i feel like i don't know how to have an adult conversation anymore. due to many, many things that i'm not going to go into now. but it was nice to be out of the house this weekend, have adult time with a variety of people, and then reflect on my conversations and see exactly where i am. reflection is good, even when it's hard. and geez do i need to get a life. i'll give myself a 5 out of 10. could have been worse; could have been better. but you've got to start somewhere! i'm enjoying new friends, new things, old friends, familiar things, all in a different way and in a new light. changing, and new.

i have a lazy urgency that's bothering me, and i've been using people as soundboards for ideas regarding my restlessness.

sidebar: I HATE A BARKING DOG AND I WISH MY NEIGHBORS WOULD STOP LEAVING THEIR DOG OUTSIDE FROM 8-10PM EVERY STINKING NIGHT. THE DOG DOESN'T GET IT. SERIOUSLY. DOES NOT. GET IT A COLLAR.

i have so many ideas, so many directions - i feel so ADD i might just have to get tested! yet somehow this week i managed to do something i haven't done in i don't know how long. every night this week, i sat and watched TV. every night. i really couldn't believe i let myself sit still. i didn't clean things. i didn't let the remaining boxes drive me nuts. i just rested. pretty hard for me to do under some circumstances, but this week it was pretty easy.

have an early morning visit planned with grandma donna and pop-pop, who came in for the weekend! wonderful, fun people! they're coming over to see our new house before ashton heads to school and we kick off our week.

gotta hit the bed since i have one heck of a week in front of me!

gratitude:

- a solid foundation

- a dishwasher

- catching a glimpse of it

what a month.

i can't believe i haven't posted in weeks! ashton and i have had a tough few weeks. preschool starting has been a major issue for him. he's having alienation issues, which is more than understandable. he misses his daddy, and i'm glad he does. he fact that he misses his daddy is a good sign, but also makes it even harder when i have to leave him somewhere. he's really having a tough time with alienation, etc. i'm trying to be patient and give him a little extra. it's hard when i'm going through my own stuff simultaneously. i'm trying to work on me when he's asleep ... and when he's not getting sleep it makes it extra hard.

a lot to work through all at once; no doubt about it.

so ashy started soccer on saturday, which was hard for him. i don't think he understands exactly what he's supposed to do. i'm okay with that - i just wish he would have a little more fun with it. hopefully this week he'll be more used to it and be able to relax and have fun with his friends! he is one of the youngest by far, and i'm thankful the coach let him in the program to begin with. i think it'll be like school and it'll take him a little bit to acclimate. he was pretty clingy, but i think this week will be better. finding the more time he spends with JR, the happier he is. we're working on it!

i meet with my attorney this week to finalize a few things. everything is starting to wrap up, and provide some closure.

the place is coming along! we still have some cardboard in the house but it's coming. aunt shelly is on the fence about her next moves - totally understandable. anxiously awaiting her decision! having come back to staunton after living in c'ville ... ugh. i don't want to be in s'town, so i can't imagine how it feels at 30. at least i was 24 :) good or bad - it's different.

had many revelations this week regarding personal intricacies and revelations. having a tough time working through some of them. feeling the foundation shaken beneath me, and recognizing those things that have been pushed off to the back burner because of all the other drama and situations requiring my immediate attention. i assumed as much; knowing the dramatic letdown following any highly anticipated event, or long-term focused event ... there's always the ugh afterwards.

moving forward. excitedly anticipating the future even though i know it's going to be a hard, hard road. ash is the most important, and i think the evolution of his life will help to make him a strong, independent boy. transition is hard and so terribly uncomfortable and uncharted.

we'll do it. we'll do it. it's coming along and we're making it!

girls weekend is soon!!! book club meets soon, and so does cook club - i cannot wait!!! i so enjoy my network of friends and acquaintances - it means so much to me.

13.1

i made it. 13.1 miles. i ran the whole thing. all of it.

so talk about some mental blocks ... i began in corral 26. with the walkers. all those cheaters from way back snuck up in my block and i got lumped in with the walkers. not that there's anything wrong with walking ... but the course was only so wide at places, and i swear to you i ran at least 1/4 mile just doing zig-zags to get in between walkers. i have to tell you i had no love for the walkers until after i was done. at mile 3 i had to pee - there was no denying it. i stood in line for over 3 minutes, so that hurt my time too. i was hoping to finish at 2:40, and i ended up right at 2:50 and change. and i'm pretty sure they didn't measure the course quite right. they changed the cones in the military reserve base - i don't know what they did or why they did it, but they changed the cones and i ran part of the course twice. WHO DOES THAT. seriously.

but i tried gu for the first time and didn't hurl. i thought i might, but i didn't.

i drank cytomax every four miles and it made me have a cramp where my heart is. not a big one, but one just enough to make me think i probably shouldn't drink it again. but then by the time that next four miles was over, i wanted it again - not a lot. just a little. on mile 11, i actually drank the whole cup of water, and not just the little that i could gulp down while not breaking stride, and then trying to chuck it without hitting a volunteer.

after mile 10, every mile felt twice as long as the one before it. i could not believe how painful the last three were. i couldn't quit. i just couldn't. i don't know how i DIDN'T. it was ridiculous the mental pain, the physical pain. when i crossed the finish line, and took my first walking step, i thought i was going to collapse. my muscles didn't hurt like that running. walking, still, is excruciating though. every public toilet from VAB to here was a test of my strength all over again. just think about it. i actually panicked all day saturday because i slammed myself into my bed frame. the footboard is steel pipe, about two inches in diameter, and i have a bruise and knot the same size right above my right knee. i thought for sure i was going to be out in two miles or less. weird thing is it didn't bother me at all running - i never even knew i had it. but every step walking was pain. hallelujah.

i completed my goal, which is awesome to me, and amazing. it inspires me to want to do it again in a way. and in another way i don't ever want to do it again. i suppose i should never say never.

the weather was absolute perfection until this morning when it rained like crazy (which of course made it easier to leave!). not only that, we got comp'd TWO VIP/BACKSTAGE PASSES TO SEE HEART!!! saturday night, we ate fantastic pizza, and then headed over to watch Heart play. they were amazing! to see them in person was one of the most beautiful things ever - nancy wilson sounds studio quality when she sings. they opened with barracuda - ann wilson rocked. she has one of the most amazing voices i think i've ever heard and to hear her and watch her sing live made my heart smile.

after the run yesterday, we took a three-hour nap, and were still on the beach at 3:30. we hung out for a while, then hit a seafood restaurant next door that was delicious! we had a 90-minute wait, but it was worth it. we followed that up with a hot tub soak, and bed. yeah ... our room had a heart-shaped whirlpool tub. i'm still laughing!!! but it was exactly what we needed. i think it's helped my muscles a ton. if i can get ARB to bed early a few nights this week i might take a super long soak in his fancy claw foot tub!

what an absolutely perfect weekend!

gratitude:

- quantitative proof i have more mental strength than i give myself credit for

- sweet hugs from my baby

- my bed

i am drooling on myself.

seriously at this point i am almost drooling on myself. i don't know if i should take a nap or try to install my blinds. or unpack more. i don't know if i'm coming or going. i'm being a rotten person because i can't focus on what i'm doing, think ahead to what i'm supposed to do, or anything else. i forgot my wallet last night ... cartload of stuff at Target. uhh ... 20 minutes away. came home to get the wallet. it wasn't here. go back to the car, start to drive to TJMaxx. call first. it's not there. come back home - ahh, it must be in the diaper bag since i paid kate! WRONG. OMG. I LOST.MY. WALLET. i get back in the car trying to figure out what the heck i'm going to do and kate texts me i have left it at her house. then ... yes, we drove back to target. i had no silverware. low on diapers. soy milk. the list continued ... not to mention a rug i found for 50% off that i was not about to let go of. poor ashton didn't actually fall asleep last night until almost 11. 11! he is having a hard time in his new room ... it's all still very new and he freaked out and wanted to go to daddy's house ... so hard. so hard. so hard. actually at this point i'm drooling and crying really because i am so drained. i know it'll be fine sooner than later and this is all temporary. i know this is the right thing, even though it's terribly hard on all levels for all involved. but i truly am exhausted. i think i've been exhausted for longer than this week and it's all hit me just now.

and all this makes me so scared for this weekend! how in the world am i going to do this, this tired. i know attitude is everything so i'm sort of bummed that i feel so yuck inside right now. i know i will give it everything i have on sunday morning. hopefully being at the beach will calm me down, relax me, and let me rest. i am really looking forward to it!

this week not only did we have the move, but we had ARB's open house for preschool! he starts next wednesday. the teachers are being very proactive about all his food allergies, which makes me feel good. i have a lot of work ahead of me to ensure food/education are appropriately provided ... if only my office were set up so i could do that...!!!

this move has cost me every penny i have, so i'm starting to freak out and panic. i know i need to give it time, and i can chill out. but today is so not that day.

gratitude:

- supportive family & friends

- wonderful gift-bearing neighbors!

- sleep ... wherever you are