i can't. i will, but i can't.

i am sort of at the end of my rope here.  it has been a really rough stretch of time over the last seven days.  i am complaining.  i know people everywhere have more to complain about.  i know i need to get my perspective and focus, and be grateful.  and i will be in a minute.  the thing about me though, as a sag, is that it is healthy for me to vent.  so while you're all concerned that i'm "really upset, and distraught over nothing," or actually something, i'm probably way past it and have moved on.  i need to get it out.  it's my therapy.  it's what i do.  and it's good for me.

last week i made a phone call to the police department regarding suspicious activity outside my house.  inside i was terrorized.  complete wreck.  i knew what was going on, and that jealousy and irrationality had taken root.  but an inability to cope with life should not impact mine in this manner.  and, in fact, i did not hesitate to call the police.  i also didn't hesitate to proceed to nuckol's immediately following.  i have had multiple conversations with gun owners.  i am not a current gun owner but i intend to be.  i have wanted possession of a firearms for quite some time.  it was agreed at my former residence that it would not be a good idea, so i respected that.  but the line has been crossed with me.  i do not feel okay.  i was made to feel unsafe in my own home.  and it is not okay - SO not okay with me.

i saw my friend RJE today and we agreed we should both go take the class to pursue our concealed weapons permits, which should hopefully transpire in the next 30-60 days if schedules allot.  i don't really even know what to say about it at this point.  other than i have had the appropriate conversations with pro-gun people regarding my intentions with a firearm, and the responsibility it carries.

i'm exhausted.  i'm mentally done.  this project at work has me bent over backwards, and i take five and 10 minute breaks to just look at something different, usually mindless like facebook, and return.  tonight we got an update installed, and i wanted it done prior to the rollover to make sure everything was changed at once and we got used to something new simultaneously.  and the entire database isn't converting.  i mean EVERYTHING.  i am in tears.  i scheduled to work tonight, and i am literally in tears about what's going to come over the next five days until we go live.  ill, i tell you.

the bright spots are that the project will be fantastic once completed.  and i have so many big projects lined up i don't know how to juggle them all.  i hate leaving the smaller projects to the side probably as much as the stores asking for them.

i am in BRCC.  however the class i need is full.  not the worst thing in the world, but i feel like my momentum is being tested.  i feel good about my choice to go back so far.  i hope that drive and push continue, and i hope the rest falls into place.  my fingers are crossed tightly.

sometimes you just have to cry.  i haven't had a good cry in a long time.  my well has sort of been dried up.  but i feel like i would overcome a huge emotional hurdle if i could just let it out.  it's not quite there, but i'm feeling that type of release would do me tons of good.

gratitude:
- a beautiful boy who gave me a kiss on my forehead tonight and said i love you so much mommy
- a staff that is understanding, full of life, and a great work family
- a warm home (even if i was told to walk around NOT in my high heels because i made too much noise)

 

in motion.

i have finally gotten it together enough to talk school. for six months, give or take, i've had my app to JMU's MBA program 1/2 finished. something happened last week and i decided to start moving on it. i am financially in motion to clear out my debt, restructure my budget, and have begun filling out my FAFSA. i spoke to my old professor today from MBC that heads the ADP department and discussed options. i was trying to make something work there for logistical reasons, but it's not going to pan out. back to JMU. starts august of 2010. gives me time to line up financial aid, babysitting, and a reasonable school/homework schedule. now comes the really hard part: getting accepted.

i am so nervous. i probably shouldn't even be putting anything down in black and white. GRE/GMAT's make me want to throw up. i don't remember the last time i took a standardized test. that phrase alone makes me want to scream. AND ... if i don't get in, i do have a backup plan, which i suppose is a good thing. i might take a class in the meantime just because - get my feet wet and make sure it's the route i want to go before i go back into debt even though this time will be a much worthier cause.

so i'm excited. nervous. feel a little more like i have a compass instead of like a two-year old spinning around on a merry-go-round. now let's see where this takes me. because you know i have 1,000,001 more ideas that keep floating around in my head that i can't stop. and maybe one of those will take hold before this does. what can i say ... i'm full of thoughts and ideas!

volleyball stunk tonight. we lost. didn't play well - most of us didn't, i should say. and really we beat ourselves. there's always next week. yesterday we didn't do terrible - won one, lost one. we shouldn't have lost but we were tired at the end. and i know frank set up the schedule that way on purpose :) six games ... we were just done.

and i'm done. after the 8k in richmond saturday morning, i slept so-so that night. sunday morning i did a 90-min yoga class, then had brunch with a "new" friend - she and i had a great time talking, getting to know each other, i bought a pair of earrings i've been looking at for over a year (yeah!), then started fall cleaning my house, two volleyball matches, and early to bed. exhausted to say the least.

and i'm pretty sure it's time i go to bed.

gratitude:

- a bigger plan than my own

- acceptance, in the brief instances i own that feeling

- ashy's sweet face

sometimes.

warning: this post is going to sound serious. don't read too much into it. i'm allowed to vent without you jumping to conclusions. that's what this is for.

sometimes i look around and i have no idea what is going on. i have no idea where i'm going, where i've been, what i ate, who i just talked to. nothing. i have trouble reasoning through my reasoning. i question everything. feel shaken by everyone, like it's my first day of kindergarten and i need a hand to hold.

im in a situation where i felt for the first time in years. felt. not "let me check my flowchart to see how 93.2% of the people in the world would respond because i'm dead inside and don't know how to respond emotionally," and move forward with said appropriate response. i felt. it felt awful. it felt wonderful. the balance of the good with the bad. ying, yang. the capacity to entertain something externally and recognize it for what it was is something i am out of practice, out of focus on. i recognize i'm green. but i feel sure it'll come back to me. if i ever had it.

it's not that i'm insecure about my capacity to feel. it's so foreign to me that i'm hoping the bike riding phenomenon will return and allow me to regain my footing fairly immediately. my walls are down, and it's made me vulnerable. very vulnerable. and learning how to protect, yet still feel - how to feel and protect rather - may as well be a new skill i have never had. heart on my sleeve. bare. naked. raw. always. all the time. i've never known how to do anything but.

and i've been informed it's time to learn. sometimes life does that ... sort of clues you in that HELLO IT'S TIME TO LEARN A LESSON HERE. and you have to move with that, feel the waves pushing you, and respect the current. they call it a current for a reason.

i don't know if i'll be able to learn the life lesson here without tears, but i suppose that's what the tears are designed for. coping mechanism. life learning mechanism. rejection on every form, every level, however significant or insignificant, is a building block to your core. use wisely. use constructively. and learn. no matter what. just learn.

weekend.

the links to my pictures from birthday weekend are in the comments section, in the event you can't find them.

halloween!!! friday ashton had his costume parade at school. wednesday night i realized that i couldn't overnight his costume for halloween because obviously he needed it friday morning. WHOOPS. i had the hardest time trying to pull it together this week! i don't know what happened. bizarre. so thursday on my lunch i went to target and purchased one of the two remaining thomas costumes and a duck costume. he sleeps with a duck every night, daisy, so i thought it would go over well. thank the lord. and which one did he pick? yep - the duck. he wasn't too keen on the whole hood thing, but he wore it for pictures; that was good enough for me.

saturday during the day we headed to mom's so she could adjust my wilma costume. i like going the authentic route and making my own instead of buying one. i wore it a few years ago - doubled up two pillowcases and make a necklace out of styrofoam balls. i also had a leopard print bag, looped around an enormous 14-inch dog bone. it rocked, if i do say so myself. i was supposed to go to a friend of a friend's party, but there were no lights on, it was raining, and i couldn't see the house numbers. GAH! i hate it when things like that happen and go awry. i tried for 10 minutes, and called the friend (no answer) before giving up and heading downtown to hear big boots. which is where i got roofied.

i had a new sitter from MBC, and i needed to be home around midnight - perfect. i had two drinks. and apparently something in the second one. i do not know how i managed to accomplish the things i did last night, but i woke up this morning with my red wilma flintstone hair, fake eyelashes still attached, and my costume and accessories on the floor in the kitchen. i managed to write the sitter a check and deadbolt my door.

i am so thankful nothing happened to me. i am absolutely livid and appalled that someone can do that to someone else. i can't even wrap my head around the "okay" someone has with themselves when they decide to do that to another person. i am grossed out. freaked out. paranoid. traumatized. relieved that i made it home okay. talk about some angels.

after my costume adjustment, we did nap, and then went up the street to a friend's house who had lots of kids over. poor ashton; every time we've been there he has had an attitude. i hope it's because both times he's been on the tired/sick side. it's embarrassing. i know i'm not supposed to take it on, but seriously him talking to people like that and being nasty like that, i feel is just uncalled for and is a reflection on me. i think he needs to get out more, socialize more, and hopefully that will help with the adjustment.

we left there, headed to our old neighbor's house - they always do the nicest things for him and make sure everything in his treat bag is ashton-safe. so, so sweet. from there we went to dude and grandma's house, and walked over to sherwood for the festivities. i was proud of him for walking up to three houses - and if you've never seen sherwood, it's over the top ridiculous fun. the police close off the street, and most of the people participate and decorate wonderfully. but ashton has a fear of toys that move by themselves; doubly so if they are loud and move by themselves. one of the neighbors had taken a huge RC truck and put a spider on top of it. he drove that thing right up to ashton's feet and i thought the kid was going to have a heart attack. he's the only scream i heard all night! and it was a true, blood curdling scream. poor kid. he got teary eyed just talking about it this morning.

he finished his prednisone today, thank the lord. i wonder if he actually has the H1N1 like his aunt laura did. not quite sick enough, but sick for weeks. i just feel like that might be what it is. hmm.

today is daddy day, and i have some things to do, people to see, work to get done. i don't feel like it, but i'm on it.

gratitude:

- angels

- laughter

- being single