i can't. i will, but i can't.

i am sort of at the end of my rope here.  it has been a really rough stretch of time over the last seven days.  i am complaining.  i know people everywhere have more to complain about.  i know i need to get my perspective and focus, and be grateful.  and i will be in a minute.  the thing about me though, as a sag, is that it is healthy for me to vent.  so while you're all concerned that i'm "really upset, and distraught over nothing," or actually something, i'm probably way past it and have moved on.  i need to get it out.  it's my therapy.  it's what i do.  and it's good for me.

last week i made a phone call to the police department regarding suspicious activity outside my house.  inside i was terrorized.  complete wreck.  i knew what was going on, and that jealousy and irrationality had taken root.  but an inability to cope with life should not impact mine in this manner.  and, in fact, i did not hesitate to call the police.  i also didn't hesitate to proceed to nuckol's immediately following.  i have had multiple conversations with gun owners.  i am not a current gun owner but i intend to be.  i have wanted possession of a firearms for quite some time.  it was agreed at my former residence that it would not be a good idea, so i respected that.  but the line has been crossed with me.  i do not feel okay.  i was made to feel unsafe in my own home.  and it is not okay - SO not okay with me.

i saw my friend RJE today and we agreed we should both go take the class to pursue our concealed weapons permits, which should hopefully transpire in the next 30-60 days if schedules allot.  i don't really even know what to say about it at this point.  other than i have had the appropriate conversations with pro-gun people regarding my intentions with a firearm, and the responsibility it carries.

i'm exhausted.  i'm mentally done.  this project at work has me bent over backwards, and i take five and 10 minute breaks to just look at something different, usually mindless like facebook, and return.  tonight we got an update installed, and i wanted it done prior to the rollover to make sure everything was changed at once and we got used to something new simultaneously.  and the entire database isn't converting.  i mean EVERYTHING.  i am in tears.  i scheduled to work tonight, and i am literally in tears about what's going to come over the next five days until we go live.  ill, i tell you.

the bright spots are that the project will be fantastic once completed.  and i have so many big projects lined up i don't know how to juggle them all.  i hate leaving the smaller projects to the side probably as much as the stores asking for them.

i am in BRCC.  however the class i need is full.  not the worst thing in the world, but i feel like my momentum is being tested.  i feel good about my choice to go back so far.  i hope that drive and push continue, and i hope the rest falls into place.  my fingers are crossed tightly.

sometimes you just have to cry.  i haven't had a good cry in a long time.  my well has sort of been dried up.  but i feel like i would overcome a huge emotional hurdle if i could just let it out.  it's not quite there, but i'm feeling that type of release would do me tons of good.

gratitude:
- a beautiful boy who gave me a kiss on my forehead tonight and said i love you so much mommy
- a staff that is understanding, full of life, and a great work family
- a warm home (even if i was told to walk around NOT in my high heels because i made too much noise)