sometimes i look around and i have no idea what is going on. i have no idea where i'm going, where i've been, what i ate, who i just talked to. nothing. i have trouble reasoning through my reasoning. i question everything. feel shaken by everyone, like it's my first day of kindergarten and i need a hand to hold.
im in a situation where i felt for the first time in years. felt. not "let me check my flowchart to see how 93.2% of the people in the world would respond because i'm dead inside and don't know how to respond emotionally," and move forward with said appropriate response. i felt. it felt awful. it felt wonderful. the balance of the good with the bad. ying, yang. the capacity to entertain something externally and recognize it for what it was is something i am out of practice, out of focus on. i recognize i'm green. but i feel sure it'll come back to me. if i ever had it.
it's not that i'm insecure about my capacity to feel. it's so foreign to me that i'm hoping the bike riding phenomenon will return and allow me to regain my footing fairly immediately. my walls are down, and it's made me vulnerable. very vulnerable. and learning how to protect, yet still feel - how to feel and protect rather - may as well be a new skill i have never had. heart on my sleeve. bare. naked. raw. always. all the time. i've never known how to do anything but.
and i've been informed it's time to learn. sometimes life does that ... sort of clues you in that HELLO IT'S TIME TO LEARN A LESSON HERE. and you have to move with that, feel the waves pushing you, and respect the current. they call it a current for a reason.
i don't know if i'll be able to learn the life lesson here without tears, but i suppose that's what the tears are designed for. coping mechanism. life learning mechanism. rejection on every form, every level, however significant or insignificant, is a building block to your core. use wisely. use constructively. and learn. no matter what. just learn.
No comments:
Post a Comment